22 Jun 2010

What is a normal sexuality?

One of the first questions that people usually worries about is what is a “normal” sexual behavior? During the years the answer to this question changed, but I think the most accurate is that a “normal” sexual behavior is the behavior that giving you the pleasure that you seek for does not interfere with your day to day life in a way that becomes a problem. For example, some people wonder if there is such a thing as too much sex. Well, if you are comfortable with it, and your partner also, and if you don’t stop doing what is important such as work, etc, it’s fine – if you are everyday late to your job, or unable to reach your own goals because you just cannot delay your sexual appetite, than it can be a problem . This is just one of many examples that we will talk further ahead.


  1. I can understand what you mean by "normal sexual behavior". But what if your partner does not see eye to eye with you? It can get very nasty. I love my husband and I'm sure he loves me too, but he really doesn't care about sex. We could spend months without it if I did not insist. It gives you an awful feeling of rejection. I'd like to have your comment on this kind of problem.

  2. Dear Anonymous, what is happening to you is one of the examples that I will talk further. In the context of this introduction to “normal sexuality” it would be the opposite of the example given – there is a lack of sexual activity that seems to be “normal” to your husband, but that is not comfortable for you.
    And as you mentioned in the beginning “what if your partner does not see eye to eye with you?” – because sex is a great part of the intimacy between a couple, when it seems to fail, that awful feeling of rejection that you talked about can emerge…
    But you say you believe there is love between you both, but that he seems not to care about sex. Well, some people have less need to have sex - but you talk about months… can you remember how was it in the beginning? Was it always been like this? Does he show interest in you and in your life as partners, or not? And you say it can be nasty sometimes – did you ever sit down and had a conversation about this when you are not trying to have sex, and that frustration is leading the talk?
    Those are some first questions for you to think about - and though they can seem obvious many times I find that they were not clearly addressed, and they are an important beginning to understand what needs to be addressed next. And I would finish for now with probably the most important advice – you are allowed to pay attention to your feelings, if this lack of sexual drive is making you feel rejected and “bulling” with your self-esteem you have to address it! And may I say that probably you would benefit to talk with a counselor that can – in a private context – help you to understand what to do.
    In the next days I will address some related issues, I would recommend to you the one about desire, as it can give you more clues...
    All the best,



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