WHITE NOISE

White noise is an expression that designates a kind of noise that is confortable on one hand and one the other masks the other unpleasant noises and may take place in a bedroom, a conference room, etc. It' s sometime used in offices to guarantee some privacy to a phone talk for instance.
The concept is quite intrigring.
I've always about it but this summer, after searching on the internet, I decided to make my own white noise instead of buying a device for that problem(you can order it online). I had a very upsetting noise coming from the street and managed to overcome it by turning on my air conditioning system in the most silent program. Fortunately it worked. But made me wonder about the lack of respect that people show each other and The total impunity that goes with it.
Sometimes we also have to create our personal white noise in psycogical terms. Some people really interfere with our nervous system and we have to be able to muffle their sounds with some protecting inner noise we may produce.
You know what I mean?

BABIES' FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

Dr. Harriet Oster will be coming to Lisbon in October to lead a workshop on babies's facial expressions:

http://LisbonBabyFACS.blogspot.com/

MEMORIES IN MUSIC

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wo2Lof_5dy4&feature=youtube_gdata_player

MOUSE FOR THE MIND

 I'll run the risk of appearing to be advertising for someone else. But I have to tell you about this amazing device which allows disabled people or someone who has arm or shoulder problems to control a mouse with the brain.

Have  a look at:
http://www.lemonde.fr/technologies/article/2010/08/24/pour-george-lucas-la-guerre-des-clones-aura-bien-lieu_1402237_651865.html#xtor=EPR-32280229-[NL_Titresdujour]-20100824-[zoneb]

WHY DON'T THEY GROW UP?

Getting to adulthood is happening later than ever. The New York Times has published an interesting article on this topic. It can be read here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/magazine/22Adulthood-t.html?_r=3&adxnnl=1&adxnnlx=1282395630-wV7x29FxxAmVZAILVWjcrw&pagewanted=all

The phenomenon is taking place in developed countries: kids live with their parents longer and longer, they sometimes leave home and come back later, get financially independent much later than they did twenty years ago, have kids later...
The reasons are multiple and some of those that the NYT enumerates make good sense. Interestingly, if you'll read the article you'll find that once upon a time adolescence was not considered a period of life. The notion seems to be quite recent (XX century).
Times change. For me, however, the most striking issue is not that our children seem never to grow up. I believe The process is part of a much wider one: the infantilization of our societies. We are becoming less and less responsible and accountable as persons. And most worrying, this process seems to come with more depressions and very little motivation for the things of life in general.

COMUNICATING AND BLOGGING

Let's put it bluntly: I've been writing very little in this blog.
The culprit, however, has a name: it's my beloved iPhone.
Yes, since I bought it (well, it was a present. And what a present!) I just let my laptop rest in the sitting room, connected to the LCD screen. I only use it for academic works that demand more capabilities , like PowerPoint or a special text application.
Before, I used to carry my MAC in a trolley. Now, I just put my iPhone in the purse or in my trouser pocket.
I do everything with it: read and write e-mails, tweet, have a look at the Facebook, take and edit photos and videos, listen to music, read books (Amazon kindle store now has an APP for that) and even write short short stories, which are my current passion.
One thing, however, I'm not able to do: put a picture from the net on a post.
Upon reflecting, I decided it was more important to go on writing, with or without photos.
I'll be back soon with a commentary on the so called "emerging adulthood", a period of life that's getting longer and longer.

IS THIS COUNTRY FOR OLD PEOPLE?

(photo credits: scrapetv)

I read recently in a Portuguese newspaper that according to a poll, Portuguese young people pointed to 51 years as the age when you're "old".
It also said that this number is much less than in other European country.
Such a surprising perception of when you become old made me wonder.
Puzzling, to say the least.
After much thought I came to the conclusion that maybe the parents are accountable for this extraordinary idea. And what do I mean with this? It may well be that after listening to parents, uncles, aunts etc etc complaining that retirement takes too long to come, young people decided that after 50 what you want most is to go home and not work anymore.
This is an issue in this country. Most people don't like what they do and keep complaining about it. And why is it?
I wish I knew. Poor work ethics? Demotivation? Poor bosses? Poor edicational choices? Lack of professional choices?

CHILD ABUSE: TESTIMONIES

I have been to http://www.letgoletpeacecomein.org/ and was appalled at the intensity of the testimonies.

I also agree a therapist/counselor to a patient who has been in any way abused by an adult has a demanding job ahead him/her.

I wish some Portuguese people would also have the courage  to tell their story as these people did in the site letgoletpeacecomein.

Child Sexual Abuse

Taking the chance on the topic currently in development in our blog by our Psychologist Dr. Ana Mesquita I realized I could go on talking about this other difficult topic wich is often ignored or taken apart since the pain and hardness of it...

I've been recently receiving some cases of children, teenagers and young adults as patients, who have been victims of this problem along their childhood and adolescence and that hard reality and it's devastating consequences on so many parts of these persons lifes has really impressed me and taken me to study and think of it in a more deeply way.



Reported incidents of child sexual abuse are markedly on the rise, but the number of unreported instances is far greater, because the children are afraid to tell anyone what has happened, and the legal procedure for validating an episode is difficult.

Child sexual abuse can take place within the family, by a parent, step-parent, sibling or other relative; or outside the home, for example, by a friend, neighbor, child care person, teacher, or stranger. Incest affects individuals and families regardless of class, income, profession, religion or race. The statistics are truly alarming. It is currently estimated that one-third of all children are sexually abused before the age of 18. This includes 40% of all females and 30% of all males. The vast majority of these reports involve very young children, below age seven.

No child is psychologically prepared to cope with repeated sexual stimulation. Even a two or three year old, who cannot know the sexual activity is wrong, will develop problems resulting from the inability to cope with the overstimulation.

The child of five or older who knows and cares for the abuser becomes trapped between affection or loyalty for the person, and the sense that the sexual activities are terribly wrong. If the child tries to break away from the sexual relationship, the abuser may threaten the child with violence or loss of love. When sexual abuse occurs within the family, the child may fear the anger, jealousy or shame of other family members, or be afraid the family will break up if the secret is told.

The problem should be identified, the abuse stopped, and the child should receive profesional help. The long-term emotional and psychological damage of sexual abuse can be devastating to the child.

Children who are neglected or sexually abused are known to have lower IQs and an increased risk of depression, suicide and drug problems. Abused children are 53% more likely to be arrested as juveniles, and 38% more likely to be arrested for a violent crime. During preschool years, abused children are more likely to get angry, refuse direction from teachers, and lack enthusiasm. By the time they reach grade school, they are more prone to being easily distracted, lacking in self-control, and not well-liked by peers.

A child who is the victim of prolonged sexual abuse usually develops low self-esteem, a feeling of worthlessness and an abnormal or distorted view of sex. The child may become withdrawn and mistrustful of adults, and can become suicidal.

Some children who have been sexually abused have difficulty relating to others except on sexual terms. Some sexually abused children become child abusers or prostitutes, or have other serious problems when they reach adulthood.

Often there are no obvious external signs of child sexual abuse. Some signs can only be detected on physical exam by a physician.

I'll be developing this issue in the next weeks....

What is a normal sexuality?

One of the first questions that people usually worries about is what is a “normal” sexual behavior? During the years the answer to this question changed, but I think the most accurate is that a “normal” sexual behavior is the behavior that giving you the pleasure that you seek for does not interfere with your day to day life in a way that becomes a problem. For example, some people wonder if there is such a thing as too much sex. Well, if you are comfortable with it, and your partner also, and if you don’t stop doing what is important such as work, etc, it’s fine – if you are everyday late to your job, or unable to reach your own goals because you just cannot delay your sexual appetite, than it can be a problem . This is just one of many examples that we will talk further ahead.

Sexuality

Sexuality has been studied for centuries, the expression of that same sexuality has changed alongside with history itself, evolving in terms of meaning and liberty wise. In a long journey here morality, cultural habits and even science have a great part in the discussion and vision about the “do’s and don’ts” of Sexuality. For us to think today there is the notion of some researchers that sexual activity is very connected with our basic needs, and the sexual performance with our self-esteem. But sexuality in general is more than this, is the way one express himself as a man or a woman, with their desires, self image, the way to relate with others and many more complexities. What I propose in the next days is that we think about some of the questions that this topic raises.

The sun is glowing outside

Summer is here, and for most of us it is great, it means beaches, light clothing, fresh drinks and ice creams. But for some of us it is aggressive, it makes us down, which for those in the first case seems very strange… What happens, in simple words, is a kind of excessive contrast between the person state of mind and the state of mind of the whole world… one feels depressed and grey, and outside the window there is a burning yellow strong sun and people are talking loud, very happy, full of plans and parties, when all one wants is to go through this day feeling the best one can. Friends would think a sunny day would help you feeling better, would cheer you up, a therapist could easily understand it, and help to figure it out.

difficult decisions, different specialties

I don’t know if you have ever seen the tv show “Private Practice”, I’ve seen some and found to be very interesting. The aspect that makes it so interesting to me is that in each episode they show a case of a patient and it is discussed in group, let’s see if I don’t forget any specialty – a pediatrician and family expert, a psychologist, a chiropractor, a surgeon, a family doctor and gynecologist. They all give their opinion even if their specialty is not directly involved in the problem being discussed. And when they all talk you can see the different perspectives, and It allows you to raise questions that otherwise you would maybe never raise… like a polyhedral seen from the different faces.

Personality

The personality disorders mentioned in the last days have a lot of references for one to think about. Do they can in some aspects be seen as disorders, the purpose of having them “portrayed” as such is more to make us think on the traits that constitute them. We can all recognize within ourselves some of those traits, and as long as they are not too intense or too much, and don’t make our life stop, it does not mean one has a personality disorder. That being said, being able to pinpoint our characteristics may help us work on them, and to improve ourselves… part of that is what one do in counseling, therapy, to talk about it, and as we do with puzzles, try to understand it.

Relationship with a schizotypal personality disorder

People with schizotypal personality disorder prefer isolation and have few close friends. As they have difficulty focusing, the conversation is sometimes awkward and not very logic which doesn’t help starting relationships.

Schizotypal personality disorder

People with schizotypal personality disorder have a great discomfort in close relationships, which makes them have a lot of interpersonal problems. Because of that they often feel intense loneliness. They display a strange way of thinking, sometimes saying things that don’t make sense to others, and also behavioral eccentricities as for example in the clothing choices. They turn out to be noticeably “odd” as they sometimes think they have extrasensory powers, and magic control over others.

Relationship with a schizoid personality disorder

Most times those individuals with schizoid personality disorder tend to live alone, but when this doesn’t happens they seem to have little interest in their families, no interest in having sexual relationships, and are portrait as emotionally “flat”.

Schizoid personality disorder

People with schizoid personality disorder avoid social relationships, and they do it because they feel better alone. They look for jobs which require the less contact with others. As they focus on themselves both criticism or compliments seem not to affect much, also don’t have big needs for acceptance or attention. People tend to see them as having no sense of humor or as being cold.

Relationship with an antisocial personality disorder

Self-centered, they are not good on maintaining close relationships. They don’t really care about their own safety and thus not even the safety of their children. Relationships for people with antisocial personality disorder are more a way to obtain what they need, there is no affection.

Antisocial personality disorder

Most known has psychopaths or sociopaths, the main characteristic is to violate others’ rights. Usually people with this disorder, as a child, did physical cruelties to animal or people, started fires, ran away… Have a big ability to lie very convincingly, don’t think about consequences, are impulsive, easily aggressive, usually go from place to place. They manipulate others in order to get things from them and consider that they deserve it because they are weak people.

Relationship with an obsessive-compulsive personality disorder

People with OCD put very high standards for them and others, and usually don’t trust others to do things for them because they think they will not be as well done as it needs to. Difficulties expressing their feelings. Usually they develop relationships that are very superficial...

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder

People with OCD have an extreme need for control, perfection, order, which makes them unable to be flexible, to adapt to situations and consequently they start to be inefficient. In work, it is difficult to finish a task because it is never “perfect”, and the persistence to do it again in order to achieve it frequently make them forget about the rest of their lives, family, friends. For fear of making mistakes they usually refuse to take decisions. They tend to be stubborn, and particularly rigid in their moral, ethics and values.

Relationship with a dependent personality disorder

Someone with a dependent personality disorder sometimes stay in relationships with people that abuse them physically or psychologically. They depend on family to know what to do, what job to have, where to go. And their depressiveness, anxiety and sometimes even eating disorders make it difficult for a partner to deal with. When a separation does occur they feel devastated and try to fill the void with another relation.

Dependent personality disorder

People with a dependent personality disorder have an excessive need to be taken care of, and for that they are very obedient trying to meet other people expectations - even if it means to do unpleasant tasks. They have difficulty making the smallest decision by themselves, and have a huge fear of separation from parents, spouses or even close friends. They don’t trust their own judgment, and because of that they are in need of constant help. They also have extreme feelings of inadequacy, helplessness, sadness and a really low self image.

LIVING OTHER LIVES

Which one of us have never thought of being someone else? Living another life, in another country, in another epoch?
To most of us, this is just fantasy. Psychologists, psychotherapists and psychonalysts are somehow made to live other people's lives, if not only out of empathy, that capacity to iamgine what the other person is feeling or thinking.
There is another way of living other lives: reading.
Through books and descriptions we can live what our short lives would never allow.
Do read to your children, a few pages every evening. In time, they´ll want to know more and they'll acquire the habit of reading.
And read with them lots of fairy tales. Don't give in to the nasty modern way of thinking we must protect our chidren from frightful situations the books provide.  They have to live those emotions mediated by reading.
There is a great book that explains wonderfully the importance of fairy tales in children's education: The Psychoanalysis of Fairy Tales, by Bruno Bettelheim.

Relationship with a histrionic personality disorder

A histrionic wants attention, and has goals, and to achieve he/she can be manipulative to sexual seduction, also by exaggerating illnesses or even by making suicide attempts. On the other hand they can also be envolved in relationships with partners who may be exciting, who offer a “good curriculum” but who do not treat them well. Concerning friendships, they believe being best friends of people who often see them as just acquaintances.

Histrionic

This quid of disorder is known by the high levels of emotion that makes them have the necessity of being the center of attention. They shift moods very quickly and exaggerate a lot on their reactions, they use frequently grandiose language to describe everything and are very theatrical in their gestures. Another difficult characteristic is that they usually change appearance, but also opinions and behavior accordingly to the ones they want to be with at a moment in time – having sometimes an unsecure idea of who they really are as a person… They live on approval and compliments, and are manipulative.

NEUROSCIENCES AND LIFE

For those who can read Portuguese I strongly recommend the interview Alexandre Castro Caldas, the neuroscientist,  gave to one of our main newspapers. It can be read at:

http://www.ionline.pt/conteudo/60024-alexandre-castro-caldas-tocar-um-instrumento-e-muito-util

Relationship with a paranoid personality disorder

When you are in a relationship with a paranoid, for instance a wife can be really withdrawn because she doesn’t trust anyone to speak to; a husband can be persistently questioning his wife about other men without having real reason for that. But even though inaccurate, the suspicions are not out of reality, meaning, there has to be a link, even the smallest of all links connecting the stories to reality.

Paranoid

Well, the term “paranoid” is widely used in common language, it refers to those who are deeply suspicious of others, and think that everybody wants to harm them, that’s why they have difficulty having close relationships. And rely totally on their own capacities (which are not always enough). They tend to find hidden meanings in everything. Therefore they become cold and distant. Most people with a paranoid disorder are very critical of others flaws, but unable to see their own, and very sensitive to criticism – which at work for example can be a nightmare. One important aspect is that they usually blame others for the problems in their lifes…

Relationship with a borderline personality disorder

In a relationship they are very difficult to deal with because of the instability – they go from an apparent true love to true hate in a glance. And from victim to abuser. Most of the times the self-destruction makes the partner really guilty to leave, or the parent too scared to solve the situation. There is also a big fear of being abandoned, being in very intense but not necessarily good relationships, getting mad if frustrated in any way, but remaining really dependent of the partner, using all kinds of ways to prevent him/her to leave, even by hurting themselves which makes it very difficult.

Borderline

One of the main characteristics of this disorder is the instability, in such a way that you have instability in the self-image, one day they think of themselves as great others as zero; they have instability in relationships, shift of moods, and they also tend to be impulsive. People with this disorder seem to have their emotions always in conflict with the world around, and turn out to be sometimes aggressive towards others and also to themselves. And one of the main characteristics is a deep feeling of emptiness. Many times they can engage in self destructive activities, as unprotected sex, drug and alcohol abuse and driving unsafely. One other aspect is their probability of hurting, cutting themselves, an aggressive way that is explained as a way to deal with that emptiness, and their identity issues.

Narcissistic

Most narcissistic see themselves as being great and for that want to be admired and to be the center of attention at all times. They have no ability to empathize with others, once this requires the ability to focus on the other instead of focusing on themselves. They tend to be arrogant with feelings of superiority, but can also be very charming at a first impression - though their relationships are usually short term because they cannot maintain them. They usually have this double standard with envy: many times they envy those around, and use them, but always believing that it is the other way around – others envy them because they are so great. When it comes to criticism or frustration they lack ability to deal with it and react with rage, humiliation, indifference or even pessimism.
For a wife/husband that is trying to share a life with such a person it can become unbearable, as everything is left for the other part to do - as for example house chores – because small and insignificant things are not for them to waste time, they are to superior for it! And one by one all is left for others to do, and without any comprehension of the unfairness and damage that it is causing to the partner. Many wife/husband portrayed their narcissistic partners as wanting a “mother/father” and a maid.
The search for the day and moment when the other will finally realize their value and that they are having too much on their laps can be too long and painful and probably that day never comes. And then we ask: what am I doing with such a person? But it is not easy. Sometimes in adolescents you also feel those characteristics, but most of the times it does not mean they have this personality disorder, it’s just a phase…

Personality disorder

In a simplified way we call “personality” to the long-term pattern of predictable and consistent reactions. If we are “healthy” that pattern has a natural flexibility to adjust those reactions while learning with experiences, understanding that sometimes we shouldn’t react this or that way in specific contexts. But when this flexibility does not exist we can be facing a personality disorder. And there are a few of them. They usually are behaviors that are not socially expected in a certain context, and that repeat themselves over the years causing suffering for the one who has it and often to those around. Many times the person who has the personality disorder doesn’t realize and doesn’t recognize their rigid thinking and behavior, being very difficult to treat.
We all can recognize in ourselves some of the characteristics of those disorders, but it is only a disorder when very rigidly, and when it becomes distressful and maladaptatives. There are a few of them… paranoid, schizoid, antisocial, borderline, histrionic, narcissistic, avoidant, dependent, obsessive-compulsive… And there are also a few controversies about calling them disorders, about the distinction between them, once some share traits. But for us here what matters is to think a little bit about the behaviors and characteristics, other than to consider a “diagnosis”.

MUSIC IS MAGIC: ANYTIME SHE GOES AWAY BY BILL WITHERS

EXPATRIATES AND CREATIVITY

Since Ana brought up the subject, I'l repost a post of mine from June 2009 about living abroad and the impact on creativity. The discussion is open.

http://lisboncpc.blogspot.com/2009/05/expatriates-and-creativity.html

DESIGN AND COLLABORATION

A friend brought my attention for this amazing Ted talk about design and collaboration

New country, old problems

When economy starts having serious problems people start moving around, trying to find a better life in different countries. They search for new opportunities, better jobs and better financial situation. However sometimes they find more of the same, and with the plus of having no family and friends’ support. Other times they really find what they were looking for. Either way it’s not easy to be in a country that we don’t know, where the way you express yourself can be perceived as something other than usual – as too aggressive, or too anti-social. Being in a different country implies that you get to know and understand the culture and the “how-to-do”, so you won’t put yourself in an awkward position… If you ever talked with a foreigner that came to your country you probably heard a lot of funny (hopefully!) stories. A Portuguese friend of mine discovered in between some laughs that “rubber” in USA does not mean “eraser” as in Portugal!... A Brazilian friend arrived in Portugal and found out that we have a pastry called “queque” but “queca”, a similar word, has a very different meaning… Well, those can be funny moments, but others can be quite embarrassing.

The more different from your culture is the new country you are in, the more difficult it can be. And time goes by, and maybe you have children in a different country, and soon you’ll find out those aspects of that new culture in them. And what about if you stay for 20 or 30 years in another country, and feel your heart divided… or if you find out you were 20 or 30 years in a country you dislike…?

There is so much we can say and write about this… I believe we could have here many different stories from those who read us. There are lot of people dealing with those same questions every day and who can understand what we are trying to say, and there are also professional ones that can support you during that transition and adaptation.

MUSIC: SCOUT NIBLET AND BONNIE PRINCE BILL

VIDEO INSTALLATION: THE ANGUISH OF THE WHITE PAGE

The title is "The anguish of the white page" and it's an amazing video installation, by Ariel Schlesinger. My favourite is the one with the two pages. Have a look:

http://www.todayandtomorrow.net/2010/04/12/the-anguish-of-the-white-page/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+todayandtomorrow_net+%28today+and+tomorrow%29&utm_content=Twitter

Career counseling

This week I attended a conference on Career Counseling. One of the main focuses was to raise awareness to the fact that currently careers are in constant development, changes, and need of adapting and evolve. Career counseling is no longer limited to the high school choice, and no long limited by multiple choice exams. Any age is a good age to do some counseling in this area; as a matter of fact it should be done many times along our lives! Because life cannot be separated from career - if one is not happy with his/her career it’s difficult to be happy in life - as we spend 1/3 of our time (or even 2/3!) working. And, as it is my experience, doing career counseling can be a really enjoyable process of self-knowledge, talking and sharing goal’s, experiences, doubts, and individual characteristics with the therapist. I really enjoy doing career counseling!

ALL THAT JAZZ - Bye Bye 'Life'- Ben Vereen

ALL THAT JAZZ - Bye Bye 'Life'- Ben Vereen

MELANCHOLIA AND PAINTING: DEGAS

Degas also painted the state of mind known as melancholia

MELANCHOLIA

I recently gave a conference on Depression and had to search for paintings and poems which could illustrate the condition known as melancholia. The word comes from the old greek black bile and the disease has been known and studied for centuries. Old thinkers, like Aristotle,  connected it to creativity (specially poetry). Robert Burton dedicated to it a magnificent book in the XVI century: The Anatomy of Melancholia.
But melancholia it's a very severe case of depression and can be a rather serious disease, sometimes leading to suicide.
The person has emotionally invested an object (usually a person but it can be also an ideal) and when the latter disappears or fails in any way the result can be catastrophic. The object is already part of the self of the individual, has taken its place in it (as Freud famously said: the shadow of the object fell upon the ego). Being very difficult to let go of the object, the person retreats into itself, indifferent to the rest of the world, not caring about anybody or anything. Apathy and self-recrimination, even self-hate, are a constant symptom.
The best known painting is Durer's Melancholia but I really think Edvard Munch's painting by the same title better represents this awful condition that can border psychosis. Have a look at both of them:

                                     Durer

                                Munch

The invention of lying

Today I saw “The invention of lying” and found to be really interesting as it makes us think about a lot of things (more than this trailer suggests…), from the obvious truth vs.lie, until religion and morality. For me the first 15 minutes were the most interesting because we always found lying a bad thing, but this portrait of an “all truthful world” is surely not very inviting… I won’t tell more because I don’t want to ruin your movie view. But I leave you with a question: would we really want to hear the all truth all the time?

Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Lee Frost

NOTHING GOLD CAN STAY

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.



Robert Lee Frost

THE SALARY OF AN MBA- IF YOU'RE A WOMAN!

I read this interesting article in Harvard Business Review and want to share it.  Apparently,  a woman's  MBA is worth less than a man's. These amazing statistics seem to be linked to the salary on the first job. But please read the full article which is quite surprising. At least at this level. The mind boggles. What are women doing wrong?

http://blogs.hbr.org/research/2010/04/the-pay-gap-and-delusions-of-p.html

TRAFFIC JAM

Traffic jam in Lisbon. Pedro M Cruz is doing his PhD in this area and got some awesome visualizations. Just have a look at:


Traffic in Lisbon – emphasis on sluggish areas from Pedro M Cruz on Vimeo.

CHANTAL CHAMBERLAND

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8cj-lAfdgg&feature=related

Chantal Chamberland: "On the street where you live".

A silent struggle

Some say it’s too much love, some say it’s madness, but domestic violence has been a problem for years… It was not by chance that love was mentioned in the first sentence, it still exists this “urban legend” that the men/women who enroll in violent acts with their partner do it in the same proportion of the love he/she has for the one she/he mistreats. That violence comes from jealousy that comes from love, some say. But the reality is that love shouldn’t hurt this much and that being violent usually means there are unresolved issues… And, as we usually say “it takes two to tango” so when we struggle, someone has to take the first step to get a different perspective and try to understand what is going on underneath it. It takes courage for sure.