22 Jun 2009


Anger is a signal and is worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self- our beliefs, values, desires, or ambitions - is being compromised in a relationship. Our anger may be a signal that we are doing more and giving more than we comfortably do or give. Or our anger may warn us that others are doing too much for us, at the expense of our own competence and growth!

Just as physical pain tells us to take our hand off the hot stove, the pain of our anger preserves the very integrity of our self. Our anger can motivate us to say 'no' to the ways in which we are defined by others and 'yes' to the dictate of our inner self.

The Dance of Anger


  1. Hi,
    I have noticed that when I was dating, my partner seemed to do everything from taking care of the dishes, laundry, cleaning up, etc to making lists of us for things to do. It was almost super human this super organized way of being. I found myself without much to do besides watch tv and surf the net. I liked it on the one hand when things were taken care of, but in the end found that i was moodier. Now im wondering if maybe too much was being done for me and my irritation was because my own growth was then being stunted?

  2. Dear Blu,
    Thank you for writing in. I think you have brought up a good point. Typically when there is an overachiever we find an underachiever at the other end. Often times it is not a consequence of personality, but a result of one party not permitting the other to be actively involved, either because they have not thought about it, like to take care of such things themselves, or feel pressured to do so. In either case, the other can feel dumbed down, under-esteemed or under-valued and sometimes just plain bored. Perhaps its time you both sit down and try to dialogue about it to see what may come about.
    Helaine Almeida

  3. Relationships seem to be the most difficult thing in the world, isn'it? Feeling too dependent makes one angry, and that can bring a circle of aggression that sometimes escapes the awareness of the people involved.
    The sensible thing is to try to understand that anger and deal with it being either a masochist or a sadist. Easier said than done, that's true.

  4. Clara,
    Did you mean to say to try and deal with it by NOT being a masochist or a sadist...or to deal with it by being a masochist or a sadist?

  5. More food for thought about the ANGER sobject in the NYTimes. I am myself in favour of what I call the "pressure cooker tactique". Letting the pressure go bit by bit.


  6. Janice,

    of course youyre right. I mispelled. I meant : ... deal with it WITHOUT being...
    Sorry to all the readers.



Our favourite blogs: psychology, new technologies, politics, economics, literature, poetry, photos,